Two years ago tonight

January 28, 2007 Viva died. I was living in a duplex because of the fire. My Best Greatest Love and I broke up.

All felt lost. I was lost. My friends were there to carry me. Thank you.

I miss Viva so much. In some ways it just now feels really real for the first time that she is gone. I can't believe it in other ways. We should be 40 together. We should hang out with our kids together. It is just sad and wrong that she is gone.

Tonight I stopped by her parent's home after my class with a six pack and a hug for them. We did not have much to say about our mutual insane unimaginable loss. We talked about the cancer in her dad's hip. I always wondered and worried how Viva would manage when her dad died. They we really close. We all love her dad so much.

It was never meant to be like this.

One night this week my son and I were brushing our teeth and chatting. He asked who my best friends were, besides him, of course. I started to list my current friends, the ones he knows and loves too. "No, mom, the ones from when you were growing up."

"Viva. You know the one who died two years ago."

"Oh yeah, mama. She was your friend when you were little?"

"Yes, we had sleep-overs 100 times, but we were friends when we were grown ups too. That doesn't happen with all friends. I miss her."

"Who else?" he asked.

"Lori. But she died too, when we were 31. I miss her too. But she was sick for a long time. It was so sad when she died but she was in the hospital a lot, so we knew she wouldn't live to be very old. We just never thought she would die at 31. Did you know I used to get ready for dates with your dad with her in her hospital room at KU Med? She liked to help me pick out clothes and do my make-up. It helped her feel normal and a part of things. It was so close to your dad's house."

"Oh." I'd lost him somewhere and started feeling sad, lost myself.

"I hope you have your friends for a very long time." I concluded as he rinsed and spit.

I have a few high school friends whom I love, but they live far away - Phoenix, Atlanta, and one in North KC, but she has several small children and our schedules don't really mesh. We were all at Viva's funeral remembering Lori's funeral stunned into disbelief thinking "WE are HERE again, SO SOON?"

The question "why?" melts away, but the anger at our loss does not.

Miss you, Vic.